INTERMISSION

Tony:
What the fuck was that?

Dan:
Come on man, it’s not that bad, we’ve—got a decent thing

Tony:
interrupts No mate, it is that bad, that’s two in a row he’s lost the plot. I’ve got to say something, I’m not dealing with this shit for another 5 episodes or I’ll hit the cunt

Dan:
Alright, fuck, yeah fair enough mate, go for it then, didn’t realise it was that bad sigh I’ll try and keep it from kicking off

DOOR SLAM

Tidor:
Alright lads, glad we can have a chat, what’s with the sour faces?

Dan:
What happened there mate, what was all that about? Thought we’d agreed you’d be the front man and the voice and we’d handle the writing, where’d you get those from?

Tony:
We gave you the option to write when we set this up you turned it down, what are you trying to pull?

Tidor:
Come on now, you know how it gets when your bloods up and you’re performing, the story gets away from you. Though actually, now that you mention it, are you two taking the piss?

Tony:
Are you joking? After your performance in the booth? That’s all you mate

Dan:
Yeah, what do you mean? What are you talking about?

Tidor:
That story, what was that, that fucking sports game?! What kind of tosh is that? Talk about deus ex bullshit. I swear the longer this goes on the more you two are reaching the limits of your obviously limited creative capacities!

Tony:
half whispered with the voice again

Dan:
Come on mate, you’re being unfair

Tidor:
Oh piss off Daniel and I’m not doing ‘The Voice’. What was that other story about? Are you trying to replace me on the sly?

Dan:
What? No mate, we talked about this, we didn’t–

Tony:
interrupts Why’d you react like that?

Tidor:
What? You saying I can’t get irate when two cunts try to pry—my own project

Tony:
interrupts No, you knew what was up, why’d you react like it was the first time you’d heard it? slow You fucking wrote it!

pregnant pause

Tony:
We didn’t write those stories and, actually, yeah, thinking about it, when the fuck did you get Rachel in to record it? Who’d you get in the booth?

Tidor:
You what?! It was in the script! And I didn’t! I don’t even have her number

Tony:
Maybe it was in your script. We didn’t write them. Did someone write it for you? We’ve spoken about this before, we’re the writers, you’re performing, that’s what we agreed.

Tidor:
You what?! It was in the script! The fuck you trying to pull now?! Are you trying to wind me up Rik?

Tony:
Not In The One I Gave You. And for the last time it’s Tony.

Dan:
Yeah come on mate, it was supposed to be Last Call and Rite of Passage, we sent you both last week

Tidor:
Rite of Passage yeah? Another cult of a forgotten god is it? Fantastic, well I guess they’re going around these days, Satanic Panic Round 2 here we come. Very original

Dan:
There’s no need to be a prick

Tidor:
Am I wrong?

Tony:
That isn’t the point. Look, can you see us writing either of those? They don’t fit with what we’ve done so far and talk about wild shift in tone. If you’ve got such a fucking problem with what we’ve produced you missed your fucking chance, we’re here now and we’re in it till the end

Tidor:
Look here Gary, I don’t know where you get off trying to sell me this line of bullshit—

Dan:
Mate, mate, can you hear yourself? You’re doing the voice! What’s going on? It’s happening more often and it’s starting to freak me out, it’s like you’re slipping away. And you forgot Tony’s name! Gary?! That’s all in the stories mate

Tidor:
What?! I fucking did not and, well, even if I did have you ever heard of method acting?! Just goes to show the seriousness I’m bringing to this endeavour, more than I can say for either of you

Tony:
The fuck are you on mate.

Tidor:
The first two episodes were great, it was all me! Now you’re bringing all these other pricks in stealing my fucking limelight, I thought this was all me! We don’t need them, I can do it all

Tony:
What, sing the theme tune, write the theme tune, do the voices, write the stories, make the website, post the—-

Tidor:
interrupts - Phone bing Oh do FUCK OFF Gary. Right I’m going to see the man

Tony:
under breath Right cos that’s gonna help

Dan:
Mate you don’t need any more of that

Tidor:
You can shove your concern up your duplicitous arse, be seeing you

DOOR SLAM

Tony:
He’s clearly getting angry,

Dan:
It’s worse than I thought, he’s pretty far along

Tony:
Yeah, I don’t think he’ll be needing us for that much longer

Dan:
Nothing wrong with that - once a limit’s exceeded it shouldn’t hang around

Tony:
True, true, still it’s somewhat sooner than I thought.

Dan:
Time will tell, time will tell, not much we can do about it either way

Tony:
I wonder where it’ll lead

Dan:
Looks to me like he’s about ready to shed this shell

Tony:
Mode

Dan:
Shape

Tony:
Character

Dan:
Pose

Tony:
Form

Dan:
Guise

Tony:
Guise, i like that, write that down in your little book please dan

Dan:
Of course, the boy’s about ready to spread his wings

Tony:
Marvellous, shame we won’t be here to see it

Dan:
We’ll still be around, not like there’s anywhere else to go after all

Tony:
Good point. Did you notice the switch when the door closed?

Dan:
Yeah, funny that

MUSIC BREAK

BACK IN AFTER SEEING THE MAN

card climbing on mirror SNIFF

Tidor:
Right lads you want some of this? Come on you know you do!

Dan:
I’m good mate, already wired off the coffee and, its tuesday afternoon

Tony:
Your nose, you’re bleeding again.

Tidor:
What? Piss off, oh fuck!

Tony:
It’s all over your face, clean yourself up for fucks sake. Look mate this is getting out of hand, you’re a mess! You’re falling apart

Tidor:
What the fuck would you know about me?! Ay?! How long have we known each other?! A year? Can’t be much longer than this project’s been going on

Dan:
I can see why you’d think that mate but we’ve been with you since the beginning

Tony:
Yes, we’ve always been together, don’t you remember how we met?

Tidor:
If you’ve “always been here” then how could I?! Oh fuck off

To Dan

Tony:
Have you noticed that he deflects with humour

Dan:
Yes, seems like a holdover from an earlier time - hide behind a laugh to save facing up to what you already know to be true

Tony:
It’s getting closer though, soon he’ll have to accept it

Tidor:
What are you two up to? Did you cook this up while I was out? It’s not funny lads

To Dan

Dan:
Do you think we can address it directly? Has it really gone far enough? Or do you think it would be just another deus ex bullshit ploy?

Tony:
Have you noticed that we’ve noticed?

Dan:
Come on now, we knew all along

Tony:
Oh yes, so we did chuckle so we did

Tidor:
now worried What are you playing at? Come on lads, you’ve had your fun

D & Tony:
You’re doing the voice again

Tidor:
What are you talking about?

Dan:
I think you know. Can you remember how we met?

Tidor:
Of course, it was through uhh through Vik, I had this project ready to go and wanted some–

Tony:
interrupts Are you sure about that? Seems backwards to me- getting writers in for a finished project

Tidor:
I – I don’t like where you’re going with this

Dan:
Ah, you’re back!

Tidor:
Yes I suppose I am, I think I remember now too

Tony:
You do, do you?

Tidor:
One day both of you were here and then, well, you’d always been here

To Tony

Dan:
He’s starting to understand, how exciting.

Tony:
But with understanding come inevitable change

Dan:
Yes, yes, I think, yeah actually I’ve got to go, it’s time for me to leave, Tony it’s been a pleasure I’ll see you in a minute mate

Tony:
Same to you Dan.

soundefect woosh

Tidor:
What’s happening, what the fuck are you talking about, wait where is he?

Tony:
He’s gone now, just you and me, soon enough it’ll be just you, not yet though

Tidor:
Please, Arthur, stop messing with me.

Tony:
Arthur! Oh no, no, no, it really is time. I would say it’s been a pleasure but that would be a lie, and I think we have had enough of your lies to split us wide open. Ti making noises noises Come on, that is, just let it happen.

Tidor:
Ti making noises noises

Tony:
Oh, dramatic music time for my exit. Oh and word to the wise, be wary of what you dream of.

same sound effect

Tidor:
All as the narrator What, where the fuck….Well well dear listener, what a turn up for the books. I guess it’s only been you and me all along. And it’s really beginning to dawn on me that reality writes itself. Hmmm though I do wonder…who is the author

Reality… hmmm, I am starting to wonder if it does write its self